Chasing Courage: Gonna need to

I have an opportunity this year to put courage to the test. It’s going to be hard, it’s going to be daunting, it’s going to be beautifully messy. I haven't really even stepped into it yet- but I know it’s coming and I will have to figure it out. I don’t know much at this point- I just know Who God is. And that I can trust. So for me- chasing courage will look like this:

Everyday- I’ll need to ask- Who is God?

Who is God? My Provider

Who is God? My salvation

Who is God? My peace

Who is God? My time giver

Who is God? My Joy

Who is God? My friend

Who is God? My restorer

Who is God? My conviction

Who is God? My closest companion

And after reminding myself of these Truths- I think I can move toward to trusting the process. He made me, formed me, molding my life one experience and year at a time. I want don’t want to miss what he has for me even in what might be the most trying thing I’ve been through. I know Him. I love Him. He loves me. There is so much that fails, but I know can trust that.

Ephesians 3: 20-21 MSG "God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. Glory to God in the church! Amen

Chasing Courage: Assignment #2 Try

The truth is, I’m kind of stumbling around in this new decade. My kids aren’t tiny anymore- and I loved the tiny baby phase- I loved taking care of them. But now, they are tall and smelly and smarter than me. I’m also 10 years into my career- and I need to mix it up a little bit. I’m training to be a yoga teacher. A healthy approach to a midlife crisis, perhaps? I don’t really know how to handle the weird body things that happen at 40. WHY DO I NEED TO HAIR ON MY CHIN AND WHY DOES MY BACK HURT FROM SLEEPING?! I digress.

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about courage in this mixing it up, of trying the new thing. Unexpectedly but delightfullly, my oldest is showing me how to do this. He’s a real gentle soul- except when his siblings are bugging him. But, over the last two years, as he’s entered high school- he’s been trying all kinds of new things. He’s been playing football, which was new to him in 9th grade. He’s been throwing the shot put and discus- accepting the strength of being a big guy. He’s been taking super hard classes, trying new clubs at school and making new friends- which is hard because he’s a bit of an introvert and can be shy at times. But, you guys- its been precious to watch. Not everyday is good- not everyday is wonderful- but he’s chosen to dive in and just be himself. His confidence is inspiring- it challenges me to not be afraid, and to not apologize for my strengths. And weaknesses.

So in this vein- I wanted to take on some new challenges this decade of 40’s. I wanted to not let my fear dictate what I tried, or how I apologized when I failed or how I leaned into scary things. But “the why” is here is just as important. Why try? Why step out? Here’s the conclusion I’ve come to watching our son:

Because being able to Is the gift.

I know this is old as time, but its just true. Being able to try, to push, to be brave is a gift. I'll chase it down because I can- and Jesus has given me the courage to try. What I know to be true: When the Holy Spirit calls my spirit into something new- there will be strength there. There will be dignity and not shame.

Deuteronomy 31:6 MSG

“Be strong. Take courage. Don’t be intimidated. Don’t give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He’s right there with you. He won’t let you down; he won’t leave you.”

xo

Sarah

Chasing Courage: Assignment #1

I plopped down on the couch with my youngest, in the middle of a messy, hard week- and we flipped on the Disney channel to find something to watch. We caught the scene in the most recent version Cinderella where she looks at herself in the mirror and says, “Take courage. Be kind.” And although Isabella and I have watched that movie at least 10 times, that scene took my breath for just a moment and I had a new thought. What if I face this really hard thing like I’ve never done before? What if I try something new this time? What if I don’t chase it away with food? (This time it was egg rolls) What if I lean into this, tear stained face first and didn’t run away from the lesson?

What if I really “take courage”. Like, literally take it by the hand and give it a good try?

It takes so much courage to face down monsters in our heads. To try something new and not run in fear. To look the bully in the eye and say “no more”. To fly on that plane, put down that drink, walk away from abuse, use our gifts, open our homes, say the hard thing, be brave, try the healthier option, say yes, say no, be different, forgive.

What if I “be kind?” Like, literally be kind to myself while I try?

So, here’s my blog series for this year: Where can we chase courage? I’ll write my thoughts- let me know how they strike you. For me- this year is chasing down how to be brave in using my gifts- to open my mind instead of giving way to fear, talk about what is true and hold out Grace to my circles- so that we can push each other to take courage and be kind. This has so many layers- my marriage, parenting, faith, friendships, trying new sports, releasing my kids to try new things, pushing myself professionally, forgiving hurts, asking for forgiveness, even trying new things in kitchen- cause cooking is LIFE with these boys- and just being brave. We might fail. That’s okay. I know a guy, and He’s got me.

My first assignment to myself: take courage in what scares me- so far it’s been to apply for a job that I really want but might not get, put in for some speaking gigs that push me professionally, leaning into forgiving some hurts that were sitting on my heart, and then trying some new to me ways of dealing with my insecurities.

What scares you? Where do you need to take some courage? I hope this finds your heart where it needs to be encouraged. I’ll write once a week and hope to hear from you if you find this helpful.

xo

Sarah

“For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13

Learning Curve: On the side of Lonely

We are wrapping up another semester of Bible study and it has been so good. We've gotten to know each other pretty well, diving into harder topics in marriage and family life. We ended the month at brunch- having a tender conversation about how hard it is to have friendships as adult women.  Standing around our hot cups of coffee- laughing, then with tears in our eyes, one of the women was sharing her story.

Left out.

Put aside.

Talked about.

Skipped over.

 It prompted us into a deeper conversation about how, as adults, it feels even more tricky navigating friendships than it did in middle school. Which is definitely saying a lot. Oh, awkward growth spurts and braces, we don't miss you.  

If loneliness is real for a lot of us, then what is it that we are craving? Connection. Being known. We put ourselves "out there" in hopes of making connections and sometimes it works- sometimes  it doesn't. What do we do when we are swimming that "I have no friends" kind of space? I've spun there many times- with lots of moves, many years of mostly being home with our kids and well known ability to take everything personally- I end up feeling isolated when I'm really not. God has definitely made me to connect- it's my love language and career.  

A short list of a few things I've learned: 

1. Most people are just busy, they don't hate you

2. God can teach me really beautiful truths when I sit in that lonely place. He always has belonging in the forefront of His mind. Scripture tells me so. 

3. Extroverts and introverts both struggle equally with loneliness. We can count on seasons of it. The question becomes- what is this season teaching me? 

4. Friendships come and go. The going is painful but sometimes necessary. Really beautiful new relationships can form in that new space. 

5. For married couples- those who have spouses that work at night, weekends, or travel- can really struggle with loneliness and it's so important to show up for them. 

6. Single parents often feel left out and skipped over. It is life saving to ask what they need. 

7. Saying the name of Jesus and praying scripture over a negative cycle of thoughts can bring you back to a place of belonging. 

Philippians 4:8-9 (MSG) 

"Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."

xo 

Learning Curve: Teens in the Weeds

There has been a steady uptick of my adolescent clients over the last year, and even though they come to me because they are in a rough patch- it has been a great joy for me to work with them. I love doing therapy with teens- they are hard working, loving, funny and a bit irreverent. I am grateful to have a handful of parents that trust me with their kids- sending a child to therapy can be a nerve wracking experience for everyone involved.

The teen clients I've been seeing are between the ages of 14-19 and have some similarities this last year. Most of them are struggling with depression and/or anxiety to varying degrees. I've spoken with teachers, youth pastors, and friends raising teens and they all agree- our kids are under a lot of pressure, and they are struggling with stress, exhaustion, pressure to perform, perfection, comparison, etc.

I wanted to put together a short bullet point list of a couple things I'm learning from working with these families in hopes that it will be a helpful conversation starter for other families.

1. Chronic clinical depression and anxiety are treatable mental health issues. Families can get absolutely overwhelmed with how the symptoms are affecting their child. It is vital to reach out for help from your pediatrician, a licensed mental health provider or a psychiatrist specializing in adolescents. It is also very helpful to reach out to another family who may have been through this with their child. They can take some of the fear and stigma away. Medication can be an important part in treatment and a lifesaving option for some.

2. Have an honest conversation with your teen. Asking things like: How are things going with friends? How are you handling the pressure of social media? Is there something I can help you with? Is there anything I can do to lighten your load with school/work/peer pressure? Are we striking a balance between school/sports/arts/afterschool activities? What can we take off your plate? What can we add that would be fun for you? Can I pray with or for you?

*This is especially important if your teen is going through a period of grief after loss (death of a family member, a breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend, a move, new school, etc).

3. You do you. My own kids and the kids I work with say they struggle with self-acceptance. The truth is we all do and giving our kids/teens permission to just be themselves is life-changing. They need to know that they are uniquely made, gifted, and called to their own life. My own kids are all so different- athletic, math minded, fashion minded, silly, serious, introverted, extroverted, two need lots of sleep, two need less sleep and I need more coffee.  "Uninvited" author Lysa Terkeurst says, "Rejection steals the best of who I am by reinforcing the worst of what's been said to me." It can literally change a child's life when they know they are loved and needed for their unique contribution to this world and to our families. We can not and should not parent our kids out of a need to make them mini-me's. At the risk of ruffling feathers (aka ticking someone off) I'll say this: we can not re-create our dreams for our selves through our children. They are not you. He is not me. We set our kids free from pressure when we let them be themselves.

4. Create ample time and rest for weary teens. We are the protectors of our kid's time and helping them manage technology, social events and school work is so vital in giving them rest. Real down time, sleep and device free time are essential to good social and emotional health.

5. You are doing great! If you are concerned about your teen's mental health and paying attention to their well being, your are probably an awesome parent raising an awesome kiddo.

Thank you for stopping by the blog again- you are all such an encouragement. I hope to be doing the same for you!

A couple of books I am loving on these topics:

"The Five Love Languages of Teenagers" by Dr. Gary Chapman
 

"Love, Sex and Dating" by Andy Stanley (perfect for young adults/late teens)

"The Best Yes" by Lysa Terkeurst

"Uninvited, Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely" by Lysa Terkeurst

Learning Curve: It doesn't look like that for me

I stopped by the nail salon recently to have one of the nail techs fix what I had done to my manicure. Over the weekend I picked off the paint and needed it fixed, I wanted them to look presentable for an event. Anyone close to me knows that I am the worst at personal nail care. I've bitten my nails for as long as I can remember and anytime I've tried to stop- it only lasts a couple of days, sometimes a week- but never longer than that. I've done the work of analyzing myself and I'm pretty sure it is stress response. Except that I also do it whenever I'm hungry, bored or driving. Anyway, the nail tech literally threw his head back and said with a great smile, "These are the shortest nails I've ever tried to paint. You need fake nails." He's right but I'm just not an acrylic nail kind of girl- and he doesn't know that I've had those before and bit them off too. Painting them once in a while helps, but those long gorgeous nails will probably never be a reality for my life. I'm really okay with it. It just doesn't look like that for me. 

I thought about that when I had the chance to attend the Belong Tour (http://www.belongtour.com/) last weekend.  I honestly wasn't sure what to think of it at first. I was confused by the secular music and lack of scripture, but I tried to keep my mind open to the purpose and heart behind the conference. It was more raw for sure. The speakers talked about battling eating disorders, drug addiction, grieving the loss of a marriage, abortion, miscarriages, infertility, alcohol abuse and Jesus. They threw it down. All the doors were opened, the windows threw wide and they shared how they were met by the rescuing love of Christ in their darkest days. To be fair, I heard both negative and positive reviews- but some of the things I am thinking about came from women I talked to after the weekend. 

"This is the first Christian conference I've been to that I don't feel so ashamed of my past."

"This is the most real I've ever heard 'church people' be."

"I wish I had heard some of these things when I was struggling with _______"

"I would love to bring my friend ______________, they would not feel judged here."

"Life just isn't perfect for me, I wish I could tell someone what I really struggle with."

......it made me really think. As a church goer, worship leader and therapist who runs my counseling practice out of church, I needed some time to process this. 

Isn't this who we want in church? Isn't this who needs Jesus? Me and the dear one next to me whose marriage is in shambles? Who's child is depressed and suicidal? 

What in the world are we doing? By making church for the perfect we have opted out of the struggle. The struggle where Christ met so many during his time on earth. At the same time I refuse to water down the Gospel and its power in my life. There is nothing I can do to earn my salvation. My life and death are sealed in Christ's death and resurrection. So how does the reality of incredible struggle mix with this reality? I think we enter a relationship with Christ from different chairs. From different pain and joy. I just want people to come. 

I'll just wrap my thoughts in this.....

CHURCH IS FOR THE HURTING, NOT FOR PERFECT PEOPLE. THERE ARE NO PERFECT PEOPLE. JESUS SAVED ME, CHANGED ME, RESCUED ME. LET'S GATHER IN CHURCH TO BE REAL ABOUT THAT. 

XO Sarah

p.s. A couple of the speakers and authors we heard over the weekend are writing some incredible books. Check these out for more on this topic:

Jen Hatmaker "For The Love"

Shauna Niequist "Present 0ver Perfect"

Glennon Doyle Melton "Love Warrior"

Patsy Clairmount "You are More Than You Know" 

Learning Curve: Anxiety

I've heard myself say it a hundred times, "I'm so anxious about...." I hear it in my office regularly, "I'm anxious about everything." Anxiety can be a wicked partner. It's no wonder, the world has us spinning on an anxious wheel these days. Whether you turn on the news, read a newspaper or get your news online, you probably feel a little anxious after watching for even for a few minutes. Most clients say they get stuck- wanting to be grateful for all the of life's good gifts yet there so many things that we are worried or anxious about. There is tension and we just kind of exist in the middle of it.

Clinical anxiety is its own ball of wax. It is often a combination of physiological and psychological symptoms. When anxiety crosses over to impairment of daily functioning, it is time to get help. The people closest to me who have battled with anxiety describe it as: suffocating, overwhelming, frustrating, and emotionally and physically exhausting. The most common outcome of anxiety I see in my office (and in my own life) is the need to control something. It is not at all a surprise- with how out of control our world can feel sometimes.

There is also an interesting part of having my practice in a church, where around half of my client load are professing Christians. I hear few things regularly from them;

I know I'm not supposed to be anxious.... I know God doesn't want us to worry..... I haven't told anyone about my anxiety, because I'm so embarrassed..... I can't take medicine for this...... 

Those are harder conversations. They take a while, sometimes months and months of therapy. But after the last five years- I've learned some things that I believe to be true about a clinical disorders and what it looks like for Christians to manage with them. When Paul talked about being anxious in Philippians 4:6 he said, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God,"  I'm convinced that he didn't mean

-don't struggle with anxiety

I'm convinced he meant

-when you struggle, take it to the One who can help you deal with it

After watching many, many clients, friends and family struggle with this, I'm even more convinced that the shame of keeping your struggle a secret is so much worse than giving it the light and hope Jesus is offering us in our suffering.

1. There is no diagnosis or disorder that can take you away from God's love and sacrifice in Jesus Christ

2. The reality of a clinical diagnosis can be confusing and heavy. Getting help isn't weak or revealing a weakness in your relationship with God. It is collecting information for your arsenal against what feels overwhelming for you.

3. Medication isn't a last resort. It isn't weak. It can be a life-saving and vital part of treatment for people who need it.

4. You are worth figuring it out. You alone are worth it. Your family benefits from the work you do.

5. There are SO many good resources out there. Reach out and go hard toward finding the help you need.

Some of my favorite resources for therapy resources:

www.psychologytoday.com

www.aamft.org

www.aacc.org

I also really loved this article by another LMFT http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/features/29202-is-there-room-for-anxiety-in-the-church

Thanks for giving this some thought and time.

Blessings-

Fall Series: Extended Learning Curve

2 Corinthians 5:20-21 (NIV) "We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf; Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

I graduated from grad school in 2007. It's 2016. I'm STILL working on my clinical licensing hours. With around 1,200 down, I have +- 300 to go before I can become a supervisor and pursue my PhD. A doctorate will take another two years of classes and a year or two of clinical work. I'm tired, sometimes a little discouraged but I can't give up! I'd love to teach at the college level, but for now, I'll continue with my small (but incredibly varied) client load. One micro-step and session at a time. It feels little like child-rearing or marriage. It is such incredibly meaningful work, a marathon instead of sprint. Patience is not my strong suit, but this gig requires it. So, I stretch out and keep going. 

I've had to ask myself this year, what is my goal? What do I want to leave behind for others? What do I want my time/effort/sweat to accomplish? At the end of the day, my family comes first. Without their health and well-being, nothing else I do matters. I can pour myself into other families/clients, but that wouldn't make any sense if I ignored my own. But, now that my youngest is in pre-k a few days a week, I can do a little more writing/thinking/talking/working. It takes a village for sure. Mine is compromised of grandparents, my husband, the YMCA, Disney Jr. cartoons, preschool and coffee shops. Specifically, vanilla lattes. And my tribe- who have said more than once,"Get to work, Sarah."

So, the timing is a little on the long side, but that's okay. Important things have been learned. If there's one thing I'm sure of, I don't want to be out in the community talking about things I'm unsure of. I want to know Jesus, His truth in my own life, and be confident in that when I'm telling others about Him.  I got my feet wet last year with some fun opportunities at women's retreats and this year I hope to stretch into more challenging speaking opportunities (talking to my son's youth group about sex is a great/horrifying start.) Poor kid. 

I just finished a GREAT book by one of my favorite authors, Lisa Harper. "Overextended; The Unexpected Joy of Being Harried, Heartbroken, and Hurling Oneself Off Cliffs." 

Hurling starts now. 

First up this week-

Learning Curve: Anxiety and Faith

The Secrets That We Keep: Weary Mama

It has been a while, but I'll jump back in with a word for mamas. Really for anyone who is weary. 

Some girlfriends and I just wrapped another semester of our Friday Bible study. It is a beautiful group of women who meet with our yoga pants and coffee cups in tow. What I love most is that we meet and I always walk away thinking that I've seen God do something amazing in one of our lives. We get the privilege of lifting each other up, praying for our kiddos, husbands, families and laughing about everything from tv shows to parenting woes. I confessed the occasional viewing of The Kardashians and may have been judged. I'm ok with it. 

We need each other. We need to be honest and funny, encouraging and straightforward. We get beat up by the world and all struggle with jealousy, fatigue, comparison, heart break, struggling kiddos, on and on. It is beautiful when we can ask for support from each other. No one is perfect, we are all working on something. 

So, today I just want to say that I am grateful for this space. Women can be so hard each other, I already see it in my little girl- she wants to feel beautiful and loved. One of my favorite things she does is when she walks up to her daddy or one of her brothers and says, "Hey, do you like my dress?" Twirling and spinning- notice me. Tell me I'm special. Tell me I'm important. She is. And so very loved. So are you. 

I loved this word from Sarah Young's devtional, "Keep your thoughts focused on Me and My will for you. People and situations change all the time....If you focus too long on the world, you will get dizzy and confused. But I never change. Keep your thoughts on me, and I will keep you moving in the right direction." 

"We keep our eyes on Jesus, who leads us and makes our faith complete." Hebrews 12:2

Snow Day: Baked French Toast with Blueberries and Cream Cheese (gf friendly)

My kids love anything with syrup on it, so I'm trying a few new ways to do overnight French toast. Here is a recent really tasty one they loved. Enjoy!

10 slices 1/2 inch french bread or thick white bread (gluten free would work as well)

5 eggs lightly beaten 

1  C milk or half and half or 1/2 c of each

1 tsp. cinnamon

1 tsp. vanilla

Stir all wet ingredients together and pour over bread in a 9x13 pan

Top with 8-10 small dollops of cream cheese (1/2 tsp. each) and sprinkle blueberries (any berry would work though) and place covered in the fridge overnight. 

Bake at 350* for about 30 min. the next morning. 

Serve with toasted almonds sprinkled on top and warm syrup. So yummy!!

Snow Day: Creamy Tomato and Butternut Soup with Cheesy "Croutons"

I love Panera's tomato soup with croutons, so I tried to recreate it on this home-bound snow day. You can easily make this gluten free with just a couple of changes. Enjoy!

I did this recipe in a slow cooker, but you also use a stove top approach to this soup. 

2 28 oz cans diced tomatoes

4 cups chicken broth

1/2 diced onion

1 tsp oregano (fresh or dried)

1 tsp basil (fresh or dried)

1 c diced butternut squash (I used the already diced in a bag for easier prep)

Place all in a crock pot on high for 2-3 hours. 

After the veggies are soft, use a blender or immersion stick to blend the veggies. 

Meanwhile, melt 4 tbsp. butter over low while gradually adding 4 tbsp. of  white flour (gluten free flour also works).  Stir with 2 cups of the soup and then gently fold all of the roux and soup together. Add salt and pepper to taste. 

Add 1 1/2 C of half and half while blending with the immersion stick. 

Warm through and serve with cheesy "crouton"

Place slices of bread (any kind will work, I used french sliced to 1/2 inch) on a cookie sheet and drizzle with olive oil lightly. Broil for 2 min until browned. Top with 2 tbsp. each of sharp cheddar cheese and Parmesan. Broil for another minute. 

Serve immediately with fresh parsley and crouton on the soup!

So good on a cold winter day! 

The Secrets That We Keep: Marriage

I've had a couple of weeks to ponder over this post and approximately one thousand things have swirled their way through my brain as to what topic a marriage blog should cover. Or at least 10 ideas anyway. I've been married now for 15.5 years. We've been together for 19.5 years. I can't really believe it and I'm so grateful for my life with Jeff. We've laughed and battled our way to a really wonderful relationship and its been amazing, hard, beautiful, tough and sweet. Usually all of those in one day. When I think of marriage I think of my own, those in my family and those of my clients. They all come with a unique story- some tragic, some peaceful- and some with many valleys and mountain tops. I'm not sure where your marriage is coming from, what point it may be at now,  or if you are single and looking forward to being married one day, but I'm glad you found this blog post. After thinking on it, I've decided there is really only one topic in marriage I can manage to  cover in a single blog post. So, here it is:

Your spouse/fiance/partner/boy/girlfriend was not made to complete you. 

We are made, by God, to be in relationship. Made in the Garden to be united in flesh and spirit with our soulmate. BUT, we were not made to complete each other. Although I really do adore my husband, he is human and incapable of meeting all of my needs. He's a great provider, a wonderful friend, a confidant, etc...but never made to complete me. It has taken me 15 of the last 15.5 years to really start to understand this and take some pressure off of my marriage. 

The Lord, my creator, the One who created my inmost being (Psalm 139) is the only One who can meet these deepest needs. I see it over and over and over in myself and my marriage counseling clients- we want our partner to fix or fill these needs and they are not capable of doing so, creating disappointment, resentment and anger in so many relationships. Read Psalm 139 and be encouraged by the vast love that Jesus has for you. He knows your needs. 

The goal of my blog this week is to set you free from the secret that you are this person; disappointed and angry in the relationship that you do or don't have and show you the One who can meet all of those needs. All the way. Everyday. Our spouses/partners can meet a lot of needs but not all of them. We can set ourselves and spouses free by letting Jesus fill us up. 

Pursuing Jesus, getting counseling when you need it, spending time God's word regularly and knowing each other's limits is marriage saving. 

Check out a couple of these great online articles on this topic:

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/myth-you-complete-me

http://www.growingself.com/the-healing-power-of-marriage-counseling/

Blessings always, 

Sarah

The Secrets That We Keep: Self Perception

Thank you for joining me on this blog! I've been thinking and praying over this series for a couple of months, so I'm excited to get it out of my head and onto the blog. My own story, those of my clients, and family have all taught me these lessons and I love sharing them with you. My goal is to send a short encouragement your way if you've been struggling with any kind of secret in your life- the ones that keep us from moving on, dreaming big dreams, asking for forgiveness or letting go. We are all prone to protecting our hearts from pain, but I don't want a secret to keep you from being free. Really free. The kind that Jesus came to give us. With that in mind- here goes nothing.

Question: Do I perceive myself to be enough?

I'm starting the series with this question because believing your are enough really answers all the others. The comparison game is killing us. Maybe you as an individual don't struggle with it, maybe you do. We can center our sense of self on a myriad of mountain tops- our homes, our children and what they do or don't do to make us happy, your body image, the service that you do or don't do, an education that you do or don't have, the marriage that you do or don't have, we all have that space where we ask- am I enough? I don't believe that this is the war we were meant to spend so much time waging- that our self perception would be based on the things we can't control and leave us in a precarious lurch of always needing to be, do or say more. Its exhausting isn't it? 

I believe the truth lies somewhere in between what my toddler and teenager have taught me. Grace, more grace and confidence. They are a beautiful picture of what loving yourself looks like. The toddler daughter is a spunky, smart, crazy cute little peanut with opinions as strong as my morning coffee. She'll rock a tutu with cowgirl boots and a tank top like no one's business. My teenage son, a calm, strong willed, force of the mathematical nature. They both believe they are exactly as they should be. Beautiful, strong, confident and as if they know what's up. I watch them move confidently in world and remember when I did. Before someone told me I wasn't smart enough, skinny enough or good enough, I believed that same way. But the good news is very different. 

1. The voice that tells you that you aren't enough is a lie. End of story. If you believe in Jesus Christ as your savior- his life, death and Resurrection tell the truth. You are worth living and dying for. Our culture works pretty hard to tell you that if you just had or were more, you'll eventually find peace. 

2. You were made for your life. NO ONE else can fill your place, your story the way you can. We all have a unique calling, passion, experience, and puzzle to put together.There is much to be learned and lived your space. Looking to live someone else's seemingly better or more important story is a life killer. 

3.  If you feel like you are the only one who doesn't have it all figured out, you aren't. You are just like the rest of us. We run the bases one section at a time, looking ahead to the next goal or healing journey and eventually find our way home. (I love sports) You may be running the bases or crawling right now, but you will get there. 

4. Even when you don't feel it, the truth is that there is more Grace than you can imagine for your story. If you can't find it, ask someone to help you. Take a hand that has been down the same road and hold on to it. We can all take turns being strong for each other. 

Truth:  1 Corinthians 9:24-25 msg

"You’ve all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. All good athletes train hard. They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. You’re after one that’s gold eternally." 

Here are a couple of awesome books on this:

Mom Enough: The Fearless Mother's Heart and Hope by Reinke

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Enough-Fearless-Mothers-Heart/dp/0991277600

You'll Get Through This by Max Lucado

http://www.amazon.com/Youll-Get-Through-This-Turbulent/dp/0849948479

The Secrets That We Keep: A Series for Women

Happy New Year, Friends! I having been praying and thinking over a new mental health blog series. An idea for women started percolating after my last semester co-leading a couple of Bible Studies. Week after week, I've seen women lean into new truths about themselves and God. I've also had the same experience with my counseling clients. They want to feel better, be better, know more, heal, learn. They have all taught me that an imperative part of this growth seems to come from letting go of the secrets that we keep, telling our stories so that we are less burdened and afraid . I'm going to do a six part series  and cover: 

The Secrets We Keep In : Self Perception

The Secrests Thatt We Keep in: Marriage and Intimacy

The Secrets That We Keep in: Parenting

The Secrets That We Keep in: Finances

The Secrets ThatWe Keep in: Addiction

The Secrets That We Keep In: Grief and Loss

There will be resources listed with each topic. If you know someone who might benefit from a series like this, feel free to pass on my blog address sarahbontrager.com/blog. 

Thanks for stopping by and I hope to hear from you! 

Blessings-Sarah

Holidays Series: Imperfect is.....

I was really on pace for being ahead of the game this Christmas. I was tracking, clicking, shipping, cooking, working....all the way to the best Christmas ever. Oh wait, that was a dream I had last week. That's not actually happening. I'm 16 days behind on my advent book. I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED IT. Somewhere between 4 with strep throat a couple weeks ago, 3 down with a violent stomach virus last week and today's case of pink eye, the perfection of my dreams seemed like a distant vision. My husband is working both Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Yes,  it is a blessing to have a job that he loves very much but it is really hard to have those conversations with our kids who really miss him and want him around on such special days. Those are hard tears for littles. 

So, there we are. We are embarking then, on our kind of imperfect Christmas. This is one we have. This is the one where I get to dig in a little deeper, maybe ask for more help, do a little less so that I don't end up in the hospital with my husband :) and take some pressure off of my plate. I get to say, this is all I have for this one. This is my kids' Christmas with their daddy at 6 am and 8 pm, where my family says they'll be here to help me by coming early and staying late so that it's less lonely. This is the one that I can feel Jesus' really sweet grace a little more because he knows my tender heart about holidays. He knows that this is hard and that I'm tired. I was up 6 nights in a row last week with vomiting family members. Joy to the World. My little girl woke up yesterday with a fantastic case of pink eye. Peace on earth. But as I wrestled medicine into her little eye again, I felt overwhelmed with a sense of gratefulness that I had the medicine I needed for her to heal. His good gifts. 

I am convinced, more than ever, that I am not here to experience the fullness of God's grace and plan of salvation through an easy life lived really well. In my haves and have nots, in my perfectly imperfect I think he shows up so that I can know how much I need Him. My struggles or disappointments aren't for entertainment, they are to grow me up. They shape me, let me see his tenderness toward me. What it really means to say, "I don't got this but He does". I'm thinking of the verses in Philippians where Paul says, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every sitution, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do ALL things through him who gives me strength." 

Every year will be different I guess. That joke with a friend, that dinner with my besties, that lunch with my family, that movie with my littles, that wine with my husband...those things turn this ship around and into a harbor of calm waters so that I can be present and grateful. There are so many things to be grateful for. I hope your Christmas is full of those things. And in no way resemble my burnt pot of chicken enchilada soup that scorched while I was putting medicine in my daughter's eye. 

Imperfect is......perfect. It reminds me. Jesus, thank you for coming. Merry Christmas! 

Holiday Series: Articles For Help

It's the most wonderful time of the....well, its actually really stressful for a lot of families. Loss, relationship issues, financial struggles, its all very real.  Here's a great article from psychologytoday.com on ways to deal with depression during this season. I'll be posting weekly articles on mental health topics that commonly come up through the month of December. Let me know what you love and what you find helpful.  Best, Sarah

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/one-true-thing/201511/seven-simple-ways-fight-the-holiday-blues

Identity Part 4: Regaining the Fullness

This week's sermon title "Regaining the Fullness," got me thinking about Thanksgiving, one of my favorite Holidays. The word fullness should probably bring to mind something spiritual and profound, but it was actually pie recipes that clouded my brain as I listened to one of the most powerful and honest sermons I've heard in a long time. What am I full of? Malarkey most of the time. Pie recipes sometimes. Stubbornness all the time. I digress. 

Jeff and I have been fortunate to land with our kids at Arvada Covenant Church. The pastoral team isn't perfect, but they love their congregation and desperately want us to hear good, solid, grown up kinds of truth that will lead us to a deeper relationship with Jesus. It is very, very good to sit under their teaching. This week was no different as we stretched into Ephesians Ch. 4 and some challenges for believers. Just like we've seen in the Apostle Paul's other chapters and letters, he doesn't shy away from communicating his desperation for us to mature in our relationship with Jesus. Stagnation isn't just sitting still in our spiritual lives, it is a bankruptcy of epic proportions. It affects our spiritual, emotional and physical strength. We get stuck. So very stuck. And Paul doesn't take it easy on describing what that looks like:

Addiction

Depression

Anger

Loss

Immaturity

Inability to discern

Futile thinking.....

So this is fun. Well, it is not always fun but it is important, life saving information. We who were separate from Christ were "tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men and their deceitful scheming." (v. 14) But instead, because we know Him now, we trust Him, we are saved by Him, we are able to, "speak the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is Christ. From Him the whole body joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love. as each part does its work." (v. 16)

Just this very weekend in the country of France we have seen the most epic demonstration of cunning and craftiness. This is the definition of a group like ISIS. They bank on the idea that you'll want to belong to a community. Only this community defines itself through hate, murder, torture, and unspeakable crimes against Jesus' beloved creation. Paul is on it as they, "having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to every desire so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more." Christ available to us, is offering something very different.

This fullness, this truth, this baptism, this body, this Spirit, this Hope, this Lord, this Faith, this God is asking us to "be made new in the attitude of your mind" (v. 23),  to "put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor" (v. 25) about the hope that you have. 

If you are in Christ you have that kind of trans formative love in you. You and I are sealed, able be  compassionate, full of grace, growing up into Christ, mature in our walk, able to step out of darkness and into the light. Ask anyone who has been in addiction, in shame, in an abusive relationship, in the depths of despair. I guarantee that they will tell you what darkness looks like. Let us who know the Fullness Paul is talking about share that light confidently and freely. Let us not be afraid in such terrifying days. 

I see Him. 

In the mountains. 

In my children. 

Glimpses of the hope in Worship. 

He's on the other side of what feels too scary to us. 

"Wake up of Sleeper, Rise from the Dead and Christ will shine on you."  Eph 5:14

Identity Part 3: Deep and Wide

My husband, Jeff,  grew up on beautiful farm land in Indiana. My father-in-law raised chickens there for the first 10 years of my husband's life, and then they moved to another large plot of land where he started his own excavation business, built a home and finished raising their family. Jeff's sister and her husband now own that house, his brother built a beautiful home next to them and my in-laws live just down the rows of corn about a 1/2 mile. It really is one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen. There are so many things I love about it- the quiet, the tall green corn stalks in the summer, the cows, horses and especially the Amish farms that surround them. I really love going for a run or walk on the long country roads, swimming in grandma's pond and riding behind grandpa's tractor on a fall day. Those Bontrager Family roots are deep on the farm. Jeff would definitely say he identifies as an Indiana boy. 

On the same hand, our little family has settled here in Colorado and we love living so close to the mountains. The Rockies are something very special, they are my birth place and my home. I feel most myself when I'm camping, fishing, hiking or adventuring in them. It wouldn't be an overstatement to say that sometimes their beauty makes me cry. My parents are from our little town, they met here in 7th grade, my grandfather was the middle school principal and all of my grandparents are buried here. Golden, Colorado has deep roots for my family and that make me feel connected and like I belong. You can certainly define me as a Colorado girl. 

Where do you belong? What identifies your belonging? In our continuing series from the book of Ephesians, Paul writes in Chapter 3 about our identity before we knew Christ- ourselves separated from God  with no hope. Paul was that man before he knew Jesus. A persecutor of Christians, a hot mess if you will. He says in verse 2, "Surely you have heard about the administration of God's grace that was given to me for you, that is the mystery made known to me by revelation....I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God's grace given me through the working of his power." He's so desperate for us to know from where he came, to the point that Christ has rescued him. 

Paul goes on in verse 17 with passion, ....."So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." 

Whew. That is just a lot to wrap my head around. Paul wanted us to know in our knower that that we can't be stolen away from God's hand, that if we build a solid foundation of faith on Jesus we will be saved for eternity and that the love He has for us is Indiana corn field wide, Rocky Mountain high and Pacific Ocean deep (working hard to keep with the theme here.)

Why does understanding this mean anything? Well, for me it is the power of having that kind of  trans-formative love available to me through the Holy Spirit. It has helped me forgive when I've been hurt, I watch it change and give hope to my clients when they need it most, I've seen it take the broken, weak and hurting to the confident, forgiven, and joyful. 

I want to be rooted and established in all of the things that show how deep, how wide, how long and how high God's love is. I want to be known for that, not just what I'm against. Dare I say, that doesn't work. But the deepest, widest love does. I've seen it. 

Feel free to join in the discussion in the comments below. How has this trans-formative love changed your life? 

Identity Part 2: Then and Now

I've been trying to read straight through the New Testament now for a year and a half. I'm half way through Matthew. As in Matthew, Mark, Luke, John- as in half way through the first book of of the New Testament. Before you judge my reading speed, wait until I tell you a few things. 

-I have four kids

- I work part of part time

- That's all I've got

Seriously though, I love the Word of God. I have read parts of the Bible over and over. I love the Psalms and Proverbs,  Isaiah, Ruth, Ephesians, 1 and 2 Peter, Romans. I tend to get stuck in those books (I guess it is a good stuck) but this last year our church here in CO gave us the challenge of reading through the Old and New Testament together. Here's how it went down for me: I sailed from Genesis to Ruth, started losing steam in Chronicles, got re-energized in the Prophets Isaiah and Jeremiah and totally lost my groove by the time I got to Nahum and Habakkuk. I tried to finish strong and lost my way by the time Malachi came around. But alas, this living, breathing, life giving, Holy book draws me back and I try again. 2016 will be my year. I hope. 

I'm so glad that my life doesn't depend on my ability to complete a task. I'm the person who will be watching a show on TV, folding laundry, throwing dishes in the dishwasher and talking to my sister on the phone. I actually vacuumed up a kleenex mess while talking to a friend on the phone yesterday. (Sorry, Taffy- that was weird) I'll go back the next day and see that I never started the dryer, the dishes didn't actually go through their cycle and my sister thinks I might  have a little attention issue.  I do lack attention to detail. I have enough drive to get a lot of things done in a partial manner. I'm a "that's good enough" kind of gal. 

Here's where that can be a problem: when I'm setting out on task that is really important, when my spiritual and emotional health depend on it, spending time in prayer (really praying and seeking the Lord for hard, important things) and spending time in the Word- the only Book that sustains and guides me. The old me would have said, "I'm a failure and I can't be good at all things-so I give up". The newer, 38 year old me is making some progress and sees how a long obedience in the same direction can save my life. Fortunately, my salvation does NOT depend on how well I do these things but my identity does. When I circle back around to those hard who am I, do I matter, can God help me with this situation kind of questions- my feet need to be firmly planted in the truth of who I was before I knew Jesus and who I am now. He is my before and after. 

We are in the book of Ephesians for this series on Identity- a book of the New Testament that Paul wrote from prison in about 60 A.D. This letter is a life line for me over 2,000 years later. He is talking to us about his faith in Christ, a Man he walked and talked with- and saw his life changing message in the flesh. Through the mystery of time he wants us to know that "in Christ Jesus (we who were) far away have been brought near through the blood  of Christ. For He himself is our peace.....and through Him we both (Jews and Gentiles) have access to the Father by one Spirit." (Eph 2:14,18)

If you, like me, feel scattered or overwhelmed, go back to the love letter that will remind you that, "Because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved....in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus." (Eph 2:4,7)

In close proximity to each other or across the land of the internet, we can remind ourselves that our identity is not scattered or disorganized. We are one in the body of Christ- we need each other to say, "This is who I was- this is who I am now, He has done great things in me. Keep on, friend."

Keep on, friend. 

Identity Part 1: I Ain't Made of Sugar

 I heard a new (to me) quote the other day from a post-man with a lovely, southern accent. While running errands, I asked him if he was surviving the very rainy day of mail delivery. "I'm fine," he said, "I ain't made of sugar." He smiled and jumped into his mail truck. I realized that I had never heard that saying before. I'm assuming he meant;

-I'm sturdy, I won't melt under a little pressure

-I can handle it, I've done this before and made it through just fine

-I've got this, I can weather a little storm in my life  (and on the job)

I made my way back to my office and had the thought, "I think I'm mostly made of sugar. I really have a hard time when things don't go the way I've planned." I wanted to think on it over the weekend and my blog idea came together during the sermon yesterday. Our head pastor started a new series on identity and I thought I could definitely tie these two concepts together. 

-What/who defines my identity?

-How does my identity affect my decision making? 

-How does my identity affect my emotional responses?

-Does my identity help me or hurt me when things get difficult? 

-Am I able to celebrate in joy when things go well for others? 

-Who's am I?

So, as our church here in Colorado goes through this series on Identity, I thought I'd follow along with blog posts to explore the bigger question: If we were to live as forgiven and in a secure knowledge of our identity in Christ- how would it change us? We'll be tracking with Ephesians for these posts, The Apostle Paul had so much to say on this topic. 

Our head pastor asked the congregation to fill in the blank: 

I am _______________________?

 I found myself spinning all kinds of answers through the blank. I tried wife, mom, friend, happy, emotional, a mess, tired.....I ended up on the one I think I'm supposed to believe the most. I am loved. With all the crazy trains running through my life every day, I find the most peace when I camp there.

I am loved. You are loved. 

-By Jesus (he died for me)

-By my friends (they have great intentions and show up)

-By my family (they love me in spite of emotional mountains they climb with me)

-By my clients (they trust me with their stories)

I'm not loved by

-My ability to make every day a great day

-My ability to control my temper/feelings (i'm tired a lot!)

-My ability to control my circumstances by planning the heck out of something (things are always going to change because I have four kids, I'm married to a Hospitalist who's schedule changes daily/weekly/monthly and I work in mental health which is mostly unpredictable, I've moved many, many times, I have a tendency to see everything as a challenge instead of blessing...)

I sense a pattern here and I'm ready to do some spiritual digging to find out more about how my identity in Christ determines my outlook/perspective going forward. I'm mostly thinking of last week when I had my nice plan in place and three of my four kids came down with strep and the stomach flu. I so badly wanted to be that women in Proverbs 31 who, "is clothed with strength and dignity; who can laugh at the days to come...the one who's children arise and call her blessed." If crying in my mini van while my son threw up in his car seats counts, then yes, "I do many noble things." Except for yelling at them to take their antibiotics or you don't get cartoons. There's that. 

Moving on. 

What does Paul want us to know in Ephesians Ch. 1? He wants us to know that even before the creation of this world, we were chosen by God to be given freedom, grace and redemption through Christ.

Ephesians 1:3-8

3 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. 4 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love 5 he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 6 to the praise of his glorious grace,which he has freely given us in the One he loves. 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace 8 that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding..."

I love this beautiful truth. If I know that I'm His, if I really know that there is plan for my life,  for the lives of my children, a plan for the the crazy, hard things to be redeemed, then I can rest- in the story that's been written and the one that is about to be written. Identity in Christ, in the One who has, "marked us with a seal",   left us in confidence with "the promised Holy Spirit." Eph 1:13.

So, this first week-  If you are tired of being defined solely by your successes and failures, I hope you'll find some encouragement here.  Please feel free jump in with comments and questions!  Your assignment for this week is to read Ephesians Chapter 1 and answer this question in the comments section here on the blog. 

I am _________________________?

Then listen to this song, because I'm bossy and I want you to hear it. 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWXWgbMDedY

       Captivate us, Lord Jesus

Set our eyes on you

Devastate us with your presence, falling down

Rushing river, draw us nearer

Holy Fountain, consume us with you

Captivate us, Lord Jesus

With You 

-Watermark

Thank you for joining in. Blessings always-

Sarah